ESRD & I - The Beginning of the End

CHAPTER 5

Throughout 1986, after the termination of my pregnancy, every appointment to the doctors at the Kuala Lumpur Hospital brought the same news. My kidneys were progressively deteriorating. The doctors were just waiting for my condition to get to the terminal stage, ESRD - End Stage Renal Disease; before they could start any plans for me. The downward spiral to that end was inevitable.

Nothing much was being done. I guess nothing much could have been done. I was given mainly “Alutabs” to curb the gastric like pains I was having; but that was about it really. I got fed up and decided by myself, not to continue with my appointments. To my clouded mind then, I had done my part when the doctors told me to terminate my pregnancy. I guess I tricked myself into believing that once the termination was done, I would get better; the kidneys would be well again.

And so, when the date came for my appointment to make plans as to what plan of action I was to proceed with, I played truant. Without telling a single soul, not even my husband, I tagged along my brothers and sisters and their families to Malacca to send off my eldest niece for registration at ITM Melaka. (Since then it has become tradition for us to convoy when sending off nieces and nephews for further study). Nobody knew then my condition was actually fast deteriorating. To be with the crowd; together with family members boosted my happy hormones endorphins. I was cheerful and felt good all around.

Unfortunately that was not to be long lasting. Not long after that, just prior to the Chinese New Year celebration in early 1987, what may appear as unfortunate incidents happened which led me back to the hospital. I would say that they were blessings in disguise. The first one was my sudden crave for durian. Durian is an absolute “no-no” for ESRD patients. High in potassium, it can almost certainly slow down an already enlarged heart due to water retention from kidney failure. I knew that for a fact even back then, but I guess I was adamant. I wonder now if I was purposely trying to end my miseries throwing all caution to the wind. Nothing was coincidental in life; everything has a purpose. I did not know how I managed to sweet talk my husband into buying the most delicious tasting durian for me; with its thick sweet succulent content. I think I took about 3 pieces to quench my craving; after which I remember distinctly feeling queasy and a little queer. I had trouble breathing – I could feel my heart was beating progressively slower; almost laboured. All I could do was lie down and so I went to bed early that night. We lived the simple life then; just a mattress, no bed. And as I lie down beside my husband that night, it felt as if my time was up. I could hardly feel a heartbeat. So I just crossed my arms over my chest, closed my eyes, mouthed the kalimah syahadah and quietly accepted my fate, whatever it might be. I know until today, my husband never knew that I was preparing myself for death that night. I guess I must have passed out after that.

I was awoken the next morning by my husband’s shuffling around as he prepared for work. I was still alive, I concluded gratefully. My heartbeat had returned somewhat to normal count, although very faintly. As I tried to get up, I realised I was still too weak to even stand up. It took all the strength I had to do my 2-rakaat subh prayer. Walking my husband to the door was out of the question. Thankfully he understood.

I continued resting on my mattress, dozing off from time to time. At 11 am, the postman came and honked his motorbike. I got up to get the mail. To my horror, I found out that it became the most laborious task just to walk that few metres to the front gate and back. That was when I panicked. I weighed only 33 kg then, yet my legs could hardly carry me! My heartbeat was terribly slow, refusing to beat any faster. I felt light headed, spinning almost. I knew I was heading towards the end.

When my husband returned in the afternoon, I voiced out my anxiety; careful to avoid mentioning that I felt like dying. I did not want to hear myself say it aloud – maybe deep in my heart, I was just not ready to go yet. I requested to be sent to my sister’s house in Damansara Utama. It must have been the most correct decision I have ever made – for two reasons. That very evening my husband sent me off to my sister’s house. He stayed the night, and the next morning went off to work from my sister’s house.

The next evening, I got a call from my husband from home. In a rather anxious voice, he informed me that our house was broken into and that we had been robbed. All praise be to Allah! I cannot imagine now what would have happened to me if I was in the house when the burglar got in. The sheer shock could have meant the end for me! All our things from UK which were still in boxes were taken, my watch, all my husband’s shirts (except those in the washing machine) were taken in our hand luggage. I found out later that the burglar was a young drug addict who lived at the end of the street where I lived; the son of a notable inhabitant.

My husband took me home to check what else was missing from the house. Then came the second shock – a major one! The short motorbike ride from my sister’s house was taxing enough for me, and the upturned condition within my house was the limit. Suddenly, as I turned to look at my husband, he appeared to me as a two-headed fierce looking monster with long teeth ready to pounce on me! I thank Allah now for my daily practice of reciting the Quranic verses; for it kept me from shouting hysterically and my husband would surely have thought I have gone bonkers! Instead, I quickly recited the ayatul Kursi, hoping the image would go away. I opened my eyes – and still it was the monster looking down on me. I shut my eyes again.

This was when my logical mind took over. I am so truly grateful for my university studies in Biology. I have known then that when the toxic creatinine level rises to a certain stage in the blood, it will start to play havoc on the brain. It will cause hallucinations! And that was it, I told myself. I was at a certain stage of toxin accumulation in my blood that I was beginning to hallucinate. This knowledge comforted me a lot.

I kept on reciting verses from the Holy Quran, trying to maintain composure, greatly comforted in the knowledge that this was just a hallucination due to toxin accumulation; I was not possessed. Although the fear was so real, both the knowledge and reciting the Quran helped me keep my cool. I knew at that moment, I was at the end of my tether.

Until today, I have the deepest respect for my knowledge in Biology that has helped me in my most trying moment – and possibly saved me from being wrongly accused as being possessed or insane. And I truly believe that my near death experience has molded me into the person I am today..Thank you Allah, Alhamdulillah.

(c)norhafizah manaf

Motherhood - What It Means to Me

To My Boys,
I guess I was a mother long before I ever had you. I have always loved children; and always wanted to have children of my own. I grew up in a large family; where there was ample love between my parents and us 11 children. With so many of us, we had to overlook so many luxuries in life; but they did not matter. We were happy just the way we were.

I guess I was blessed by Allah with a quick mind, Alhamdulillah earning a scholarship to the UK. And that was when I believe, I started being your Ummi. By Allah’s mercy and grace, in UK I really got to know Islam and myself. I read extensively about parental duties and hadith from the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w stayed in my mind. I learnt from the hadith that when a child is born, he is like that of a piece of white cloth. It is the parents that colour him.

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "No child is born except on Al-Fitra (Islam) and then his parents make him Jewish, Christian or Magian, as an animal produces a perfect young animal: do you see any part of its body amputated?" (part of a Hadith in Bukhari).

It began to dawn on me of the gravity of my responsibilities. How was I to make you true servants of Allah – Abid; when I was not a truly practising Muslim myself. I was lacking in my faith in so many aspects; and I knew I had so much learning to do before I could even have you guys.
And I knew too I could not do it alone!

So, I prayed hard to Allah to bless me with a husband who shared my vision and mission. I knew to get that I had to strive to be the best too. And I used every opportunity I had in UK to better myself as a Muslimah ....so that I be worthy of being your Ummi.

And Allah helped me with a husband who shared my vision and mission; as far as raising children were concerned. Alhamdulillah, he was supportive in my strategy to raise you guys up. Boys, I love you guys to no end. If at all possible I don’t even want an iota of harm to come your way ... what more the whispers of Satan. Thus from even before conception, I made sure I was protecting you guys with Allah’s help. I can only hope that my prayers were answered. Throughout my pregnancies, I tried my best to eat only the halal and good food that would make your bodies strong. It was indeed a blessing when the doctors placed me in the ward for months when they wanted to monitor my renal function during pregnancy. What seemed to be like a prison sentence turned out to be quality time for me to catch up on my Quran recitation and Zikrullah to make sure that your minds would know your Creator even before you guys were born. Alhamdulillah!

And when you guys were born, we made sure we followed the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w - to have the Azan, the call to Prayer and Success be the first thing that reached your ears. Hopefully, may Allah bless you guys with success both here and in the Hereafter.

Then came to the real core business of raising you guys. I remember these words of our Prophet s.a.w.:
Messenger of Allah (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) used to speak about children - boys and girls - and Say: "O Muslims, O fathers and mothers, O my followers, be kind and compassionate towards children, for someone who is not kind to children has no place amongst the Muslims."

Children are blessings: (Muslim children, Islam and children, Qur'an and children, Muslim Parenting)

Allah (SWT) says in Noble Qur'an: "Kill not your children for fear of want. We shall provide sustenance for them as well as for you. Verily the killing of them is great sin." Noble Qur'an (17: 31)






I am thankful to Allah that my own parents provided me with a good education and that Allah had blessed me with a keen interest in knowledge. Same goes with your father. Alhamdulillah, by His Grace, we managed to get decent jobs to provide you guys with your daily physical needs quite comfortably. Emotionally, I tried my best boys. From day one, I have tried, within my limitations, to be always there for you guys. I pray I shall always be there for you in times to come; and always be there for you even when you feel you no longer need my assistance. I read and reread parenting in Islam, psychology books on parenting; and shared with other parents, the contemporary as well as the veterans. Guys, I have tried to be the smartest mother I could be, answering patiently all your questions – and you guys were very inquisitive boys. I wanted to be your main source of reference, so that what was processed through your minds was what I fed you.

Boys, I tried my level best to make you guys balanced in all aspects. I am not that well versed in our Islamic faith; but I tried to be a good muslim mother to you. I familiarised you with what that it is advocated by our Prophet s.a.w – that of manners! Alhamdulillah, your grandmother taught me good, to behave well. So I adopted the same like manners upon yourselves; added with the proper, documented teachings of Islam pertaining manners. I may appear to be rather restrictive on occasion; for instance not allowing you guys to even go out of the house when Maghrib approached; when you watched behind barred grill while your cousins played on the front porch. I was sad too boys; my heart went out to you guys. I know how you guys wanted badly to join in the fun and play. But I was just trying to follow the Islamic way of life. I wanted the Islamic way of life to be inculcated in you guys; to be a part of you. I could only pray that one day you will see the reason for my “strictness”.

Islam begins with the word “Read” – an indicator to the importance of knowledge. Yes, I must admit, I never joked around where education is concerned. I read all I could get my hands on the best approaches to educating children. I named you guys with names that held the highest respect to knowledge; in the hope that you guys would honour knowledge and be responsible for your names – Noble and Knowledgeable; Intelligent and Excellent. I reminded you guys again and again that you had to respect your names, uphold and be true to the meanings of your names. Thus far, I am grateful to Allah that you have held up your names well indeed. I am sorry if I was always a bit serious, but believe me, it was my way of telling I don’t want you guys to lose out in the matter of knowledge. I can’t give you wealth for all of your life, but I can hope to leave you guys with the love of knowledge and the dignity of being learned men.

More importantly, your father and I, we both know that our understanding of Islam is so basic. More sadly is the fact that I know so little of our Quranic language – the Arabic language. So, from very early on, your father and I decided to relocate ourselves to somewhere where you guys could get the proper Islamic education – from Tawheed to Khat. Because of this your father now drives more than 40 km a day to his office, and for the past 11 years he has been driving you guys to school, and in the evenings I would be fetching you guys. I am sorry that you guys had to get up very early every morning so as not to make your father late; and that often you guys have to wait quite some time before I reached school in the evening because I was always too tired to rush. But we wanted to give you the best education boys – the Islamic one. I know you guys always compared how strict I was in letting you go out with your friends. Believe me, it pained me too to have to make decisions forbidding you from going out with your friends when you were younger; but alas, I am a woman, a mother, and I get overly anxious when I don’t have any guarantees to your safety. I know sometimes your friends laughed at you guys for not knowing how to play the snooker or bowling, but it was my way of protecting you from being too familiar with the world outside before I am convinced that you guys would not be too easily influenced by what’s out there in the world.

I know to so many, and perhaps to you guys too, I may seem to put a hand in every aspect of your life. Believe me boys, I do not do that out of possessiveness, I do that simply because I am not a good Muslimah, but that I am a mother who tries my best to be a good muslim one. I certainly cannot tell you what the Syariah says pertaining this or that matter; but I can protect you from being dragged into harm’s way. If at any point you ever thought of rebelling, then I hope now you know the reason why I did what I did.

You guys are almost grown now, and I would like to think that slowly I am learning to let you guys go too. I am just a simple woman, and it is my utmost hope and wish that I have done my job to the best of my ability. I can only hope and pray that my way of bringing you guys up have given you a strong solid hold on you to know who you really are, know your place in the eyes of Allah, know your duties as His servants. I can only hope that you guys will go out into the world knowing full well your responsibility as a Muslim Mukmin, a man, a son, a husband, a member of your society. It is my greatest wish that I have fired in you enough the love for knowledge and the strength and zeal to excel, to be the best in any field that you partake in life.

And last but not least, I pray to Allah Almighty that you guys know that whatever that I did for you guys, I did to my best abilty as your mother, with the best intention for your success here and Hereafter, in the best way that I know how. I know I goofed up many times, and will continue to goof up many times more, but may you guys know that everything that I did in the past, present and in future, I do them out of love of a mother – a title, a responsibility that I was honoured with when you guys came into my life. And with that title, come all the joys and pain and tears and laughter and all the love that fills my heart so – that I have come to be so grateful for .... when you guys made me Your Mother! When you guys chose me to be Your UMMI!

I love you guys. Thank you for awarding me this motherhood.