CHAPTER 5
Throughout 1986, after the termination of my pregnancy, every appointment to the doctors at the Kuala Lumpur Hospital brought the same news. My kidneys were progressively deteriorating. The doctors were just waiting for my condition to get to the terminal stage, ESRD - End Stage Renal Disease; before they could start any plans for me. The downward spiral to that end was inevitable.
Nothing much was being done. I guess nothing much could have been done. I was given mainly “Alutabs” to curb the gastric like pains I was having; but that was about it really. I got fed up and decided by myself, not to continue with my appointments. To my clouded mind then, I had done my part when the doctors told me to terminate my pregnancy. I guess I tricked myself into believing that once the termination was done, I would get better; the kidneys would be well again.
And so, when the date came for my appointment to make plans as to what plan of action I was to proceed with, I played truant. Without telling a single soul, not even my husband, I tagged along my brothers and sisters and their families to Malacca to send off my eldest niece for registration at ITM Melaka. (Since then it has become tradition for us to convoy when sending off nieces and nephews for further study). Nobody knew then my condition was actually fast deteriorating. To be with the crowd; together with family members boosted my happy hormones endorphins. I was cheerful and felt good all around.
Unfortunately that was not to be long lasting. Not long after that, just prior to the Chinese New Year celebration in early 1987, what may appear as unfortunate incidents happened which led me back to the hospital. I would say that they were blessings in disguise. The first one was my sudden crave for durian. Durian is an absolute “no-no” for ESRD patients. High in potassium, it can almost certainly slow down an already enlarged heart due to water retention from kidney failure. I knew that for a fact even back then, but I guess I was adamant. I wonder now if I was purposely trying to end my miseries throwing all caution to the wind. Nothing was coincidental in life; everything has a purpose. I did not know how I managed to sweet talk my husband into buying the most delicious tasting durian for me; with its thick sweet succulent content. I think I took about 3 pieces to quench my craving; after which I remember distinctly feeling queasy and a little queer. I had trouble breathing – I could feel my heart was beating progressively slower; almost laboured. All I could do was lie down and so I went to bed early that night. We lived the simple life then; just a mattress, no bed. And as I lie down beside my husband that night, it felt as if my time was up. I could hardly feel a heartbeat. So I just crossed my arms over my chest, closed my eyes, mouthed the kalimah syahadah and quietly accepted my fate, whatever it might be. I know until today, my husband never knew that I was preparing myself for death that night. I guess I must have passed out after that.
I was awoken the next morning by my husband’s shuffling around as he prepared for work. I was still alive, I concluded gratefully. My heartbeat had returned somewhat to normal count, although very faintly. As I tried to get up, I realised I was still too weak to even stand up. It took all the strength I had to do my 2-rakaat subh prayer. Walking my husband to the door was out of the question. Thankfully he understood.
I continued resting on my mattress, dozing off from time to time. At 11 am, the postman came and honked his motorbike. I got up to get the mail. To my horror, I found out that it became the most laborious task just to walk that few metres to the front gate and back. That was when I panicked. I weighed only 33 kg then, yet my legs could hardly carry me! My heartbeat was terribly slow, refusing to beat any faster. I felt light headed, spinning almost. I knew I was heading towards the end.
When my husband returned in the afternoon, I voiced out my anxiety; careful to avoid mentioning that I felt like dying. I did not want to hear myself say it aloud – maybe deep in my heart, I was just not ready to go yet. I requested to be sent to my sister’s house in Damansara Utama. It must have been the most correct decision I have ever made – for two reasons. That very evening my husband sent me off to my sister’s house. He stayed the night, and the next morning went off to work from my sister’s house.
The next evening, I got a call from my husband from home. In a rather anxious voice, he informed me that our house was broken into and that we had been robbed. All praise be to Allah! I cannot imagine now what would have happened to me if I was in the house when the burglar got in. The sheer shock could have meant the end for me! All our things from UK which were still in boxes were taken, my watch, all my husband’s shirts (except those in the washing machine) were taken in our hand luggage. I found out later that the burglar was a young drug addict who lived at the end of the street where I lived; the son of a notable inhabitant.
My husband took me home to check what else was missing from the house. Then came the second shock – a major one! The short motorbike ride from my sister’s house was taxing enough for me, and the upturned condition within my house was the limit. Suddenly, as I turned to look at my husband, he appeared to me as a two-headed fierce looking monster with long teeth ready to pounce on me! I thank Allah now for my daily practice of reciting the Quranic verses; for it kept me from shouting hysterically and my husband would surely have thought I have gone bonkers! Instead, I quickly recited the ayatul Kursi, hoping the image would go away. I opened my eyes – and still it was the monster looking down on me. I shut my eyes again.
This was when my logical mind took over. I am so truly grateful for my university studies in Biology. I have known then that when the toxic creatinine level rises to a certain stage in the blood, it will start to play havoc on the brain. It will cause hallucinations! And that was it, I told myself. I was at a certain stage of toxin accumulation in my blood that I was beginning to hallucinate. This knowledge comforted me a lot.
I kept on reciting verses from the Holy Quran, trying to maintain composure, greatly comforted in the knowledge that this was just a hallucination due to toxin accumulation; I was not possessed. Although the fear was so real, both the knowledge and reciting the Quran helped me keep my cool. I knew at that moment, I was at the end of my tether.
Until today, I have the deepest respect for my knowledge in Biology that has helped me in my most trying moment – and possibly saved me from being wrongly accused as being possessed or insane. And I truly believe that my near death experience has molded me into the person I am today..Thank you Allah, Alhamdulillah.
(c)norhafizah manaf
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