My Hatchling Is Leaving The Nest

I woke up this morning with a terribly desperate feeling in my heart, and a great knot in my stomach. I just have today and tomorrow with my Noble One, before he leaves for Kelantan on a 7 week tour of Jati Diri (personal development) course. O my God! This is it! It has started - my son is going out on his own now into the big world. First this course; then when his SPM results come out, and insha-Allah I have full faith he will do excellently (has not let me down so far)...Insha-Allah it is off to Egypt for him.

I always know that this moment of him leaving home is inevitable; him being a young man and all. Alas ... I only have 2 of them, and when one goes, it will surely leave this gaping void within me. Heck, even if I had a dozen of them, I know I will surely feel the same.

And so I am torn between keeping what's mine close to me, whilst at the same time wishing him to make his mark in this world - to make something worthwhile out of his life. As a mother, sometimes we just have to do what is right ... and that is letting our hatchling try his luck on his own for his own life; at the same time praying really really hard he will have it easy throughout the journey of his life.

My baby is now an able bodied young man to the world ... but to me he is still my baby. It seemed like only yesterday I was still holding him in my arms nursing him. But now he stands a good head taller than me ... plus some.

I know when he is out there doing his thing on his own, my worries will begin again ... as to how is faring, if he is well and healthy, if he is eating well, if he is happy with friends, or if he is missing home. The worry starts again ...only this time it is on a different level.

He is excited to go, nay very eager. I must try not to dampen his spirits with my motherly melancholy.

And so ... go my son, and make your mark on God's earth. The world is at your disposal to help you achieve your goals and dreams. And your mom is always beside you, in your heart to pray for you and keep a watchful eye on you all along the way. Whenever you feel lost, alone or desolate, do not despair, just call on your Ummi, and I'll be there.

My Noble One, Ummi loves you as only a mother would understand. May Allah bless you at each and every step that you take. You have all my blessings and prayers.

Usher In A New Year

Yesterday, 18th December marked the new year 1431 Hijriah in the Muslim calendar. The pilgrims have started to return to their homeland.

I am just a science teacher, a wife, a mother of 2 boys, living in a small town near the capital of my country, working in an all boys' multiracial secondary school. I go to school in the morning, come back in the afternoon, rest a bit before I go fetch my boys from school in the evening. During the weekend, I try to meet up with my siblings. In my free time, I read, I blog, I write.

Just living an ordinary life. My family means the world to me; I enjoy being with my students. I contribute to my society wherever I can, in my own way.

I am a Muslim...and on this auspicious day...I just pray for peace - on God's earth; and peace of mind - for all! Ameen.

Of Long Lost Friends

Today, I received a message with a class photo when I was in Form Five. The reason my friend had sent me that photo is because we had just reconnected after 30 years and I, for the life of me, could place neither his name nor his face to my memory bank. Absolute blank...nothing. I bashed my brain but to no avail; until finally all I could do was, unabashedly asked if we belonged to the same class, and, if he had any photo from that time, if he could please send or show it to me.

He did.

And suddenly all the surge of memories came rushing back to me. And I got transported back to those yester years. It was such a nostalgic stroll back down memory lane. The familiar faces. Looking at friends who were closer to me then – jolted memories of jokes exchanged, pranks played and sadness shared living in a boarding school. So much fun then; I can almost hear the laughter and forbidden giggles, feel again the quiet infatuation of an awkward teenager, and the silent envy at the smarter ones in class.

So it is just too sad to even think how I could ever forget some of my classmates! But forget I did. Not until I was shown the photo again. I guess my memories of my final year in school just froze in time since then. In my mind, those friends whom I have not seen or spoken with since just stopped growing. There they stayed in my memory box as young 17-year-old teenagers. And as a gawky, shy teenager, I simply cannot believe it now that I hardly spoke to some of the boys; this particular friend included. So much so he said that it is good we were actually finally having a conversation. I totally agree with him ... better late than never.

Do I regret I was less friendly then? Regret – possibly not, because I knew then, as I know now that it was not out of unfriendliness, but more of being shy and possibly timid too. That was me back then. But I do feel that sense of “missing out on something” because of how I was then. Perhaps being a quiet, studious girl was rather intimidating to some friends of the opposite gender too. Who knows ... If I could turn back the clock, I would possibly reduce my overtly serious disposition and be bold enough to speak up when the situation called for it at that time. It is rather ironic considering I was in the School English Debating Team. One would have thought I would be such a bossy, loud-mouthed, argumentative girl then. (Phew...thank God I wasn’t!). But still, it is such a pity that as a result of that, I ended up not remembering some of my classmates.

One good thing though, I may have forgotten their names and not recognised them by how they look now, but when brought back again to those good old days, recognition is almost immediate, even though their names still slip my mind. Just goes to show me that, they are still there with me, inside of me ... all those dear long lost friends o’ mine.

Some close to me have passed on, may God bless their souls, and some have married each other. Whatever it is, now that I have been given this second chance of coming into contact with them, I can only pray, that this time I am a better friend to one and all.
To this particular friend who has jolted my memories again, THANK YOU 

Matters of the Heart

Every man has a key to his heart; and knowing his personality assists in identifying the right key to open it."

"Harmony ... We deal with hearts not bodies."

"Experience ... tells us that whenever you show people that you value and care fror them, you capture their hearts and are thus endeared to them."

"Our ability to capture people's hearts and win their love brings about great happiness in life."

"The first meeting imprints 70% of the impression that one has of a person on his mind. Thus, one should treat a person as if it is the first and last time he will ever meet him."
(quotes from Enjoy Your Life)

Of Holidays and Books

Hasan Al Banna said that to know a person look at the books on his shelf. I look at mine - and I see Islamic books, self-help and motivational books, books on teaching, on writing and novels. So I guess it is true what is said about a person's bookshelf. The books that fill my shelf pretty much sum up what I am and what my interests are.

I look at the books that fill my sons' rooms. Noble One's shelf is a full range of topics - hinting at his interest in vast areas. Mainly Islamic books fill the space, but there are also significant number of books on language (his interest in the academics of different languages), books on editing/journalism, books on photography, books on history ... only the odd novels,namely by two young uprising contemporary Malay writers. Yes, I can see his personality clearly from his collection of books. That while his interests are wide and varied, he is very much into good writing, and into improving himself as a Muslim. It is with interest that I note that just not too long ago, books on computer design and books on the different computer skills were the in-thing for him. So, I conclude that one's interest in reading changes over time as well.

As for my Witty #2, he never was much of a book reader in his primary days although he is an avid online reader. However, of late I realise that whilst he is not much into reading books; magazines and comics scatter his room - and those magazines and comic reflect his interest: weaponry and anime. Witty #2 is more the "action guy" and it does reflect in his choice of reading materials - quick reading, easy to follow practical instructions. Yesterday, I see another interest that is slowly blossoming in him - computer skills. In that sense, he has something in common with big brother I guess.

I write this blog because long school breaks give us this wonderful opportunity to enjoy a day's outing visiting different bookstores and getting our hands on books of interest as well as keeping updates with the latest publications. I am grateful that my boys are as much into reading as I was at their age. This is something that the boys and I share in common; something that I am very pleased about.

Indeed reading open up borderless frontiers to explore, the adventures take our breath away, the values learnt enrich our souls, and the sheer story telling alone take us on a ride of different emotions,leaving us ecstatic and satisfied at the end of the journey. A journey worth taking any time.

Above all, books bring my boys and I closer together, as we read to each other or tell each other what we have learnt.

For all this, I am forever grateful for the magic and beauty of books ... and reading.

The Sacrificial Lamb ...me and my patience

"Ummi, I can't seem to find my Baju Melayu." (the Malay national costume for males).

Every year it is the same old history. We buy him new baju melayu for Eidul Fitri, and he loses it before Eidul Adha. Every time it is the same commotion. You would think we both have learnt our lessons. I thought I had. Yesterday I asked him to go look for the shirt in preparation for this morning's prayer.

"I have found the pants, the shirt is somewhere. I will look for it," he had said.

I always try to give him the benefit of the doubt; to trust that at 13, he is big enough to take care of his own things. Unfortunately, history still repeats itself.

And, once again, I find myself shouting at him for misplacing it. We searched high and low for it in this house, in everybody's wardrobe...nay... I have the nastiest suspicion he wore it to school, then took it off for his undershirt (T shirt most likely) and then just forgets about it. That is what that has riled me so. Plus on top of that, the dad just goes off for the eidul adha prayer, leaving him behind.

And I blew my top...and now I feel lousy... not a pleasant feeling at all.

On Eidul Adha...the day of sacrifice...I sacrificed my patience...BUMMER!

My New Netbook

Alhamdulillah, by the Grace of Allah, today I got my new netbook - Dell 10" weighing just over 1 kg. With the colour of my choice, mind you - metallic purple. Simply beautiful and eye catching. I first saw this netbook at my sister's house - belonging to my grand nephew...and he is only 4!!!
Super cool! His was light blue in colour. As soon as I set eyes on this cute little gadget, I fell in love with it. So handy, so light. I knew immediately it would be ideal for my writing anywhere, any time. This was last Sunday, 15th November 2009.

It was then, that I decided to apply my Law of Attraction knowledge ... plus a lot lot of prayer to God. I imagined myself toting this cute little thing around wherever I go, I imagine the happy feeling I get to be the proud owner of this very handy gadget and merrily typing away on its keyboard. And I placed all faith that Allah will somehow make it happen for me. Mine is not to question how HE would make my doa come true; mine is just to have the unflinching faith HE would.

Lo and behold! Exactly one week since, I am now the proud owner of this cute but awesome little thing. Such is the power of unflinching faith God will fulfill - if only we were to ask ... and ask specifically. Alhamdulillah, all praise be to HIM.

(Taking this opportunity to emphasise here that this focusing on the positive, not merely wanting, but actually visualising ourselves happy with the thought, is a potent tool to getting what we want and intend to have in this life...and this include happiness, peace of mind, wealth. Try it - you will be surprised at how great the feeling is.)

Later in the evening, I went out to get a suitable carrier for this precious netbook of mine. And with the internet installed in this wifi zone in my house, I am on my way ... yay!!!

I only need to install Microsoft Word and then I will really be tapping away, deo volente.

O by the way, it comes in a 10" screen ... just to let it be known :)

A Short Short Story

She just stared at him; amazed that there was no anger in her after all that he had done to her. On the contrary, she felt slightly sorry at how pathetic he really was. He had resorted to the lowliest level, stooping so low as to stab her from behind; taking her unawares.

A rueful smile crossed her pale face.Yes, she had her share in all this too. Shaking her head slowly, she could not fathom now how she could be so trusting, so gullible. And in the end, she had to pay a high price for it.

She paid her dues - and now she is liberated. She watched as he conitnued his malicious lying and scheming against her....goodness, he was bent on degrading and humiliating her. She shook her head in silent wonder; just for that split second, that only the keen-eyed could detect, before, straightening her back, and pushing back her shoulders, she faced him squarely on the face.

"You can't harm me anymore...I am free of you. I don't hate you...I just feel sorry for you, and your pathetic life. Goodbye."

Before he could even say a word, she turned around, facing her back to him and continued walking....head held high on her straight back. She could hear his shouts, his curses, his rants. But..no more cowering. In fact, her hesitant smile slowly changed into a fully confident and satisfied one. She had made it....she was now surely and finally free of him.

Suddenly the dark cloudy sky seemed to give way for the moonlight to shine down on that still, silent night. She knew then, things were going to be okay....

She walked slowly away, leaving behind her gloomy past...a brighter future awaits her.

The Curse on Me - Because I Write

I never say I am always right,
I just write
I never am a beacon of light
I just write
I never claim to have any insight
I just write

When I see sadness, I sympathise
That is me as I am
When I see confusion, I empathise
That is me as I am
When I see happiness, I rejoice
That is me as I am

For what purpose am I being judged
Because I write?
For what truth has my right been violated
Because I write?
For what need am I to be ousted
Because I write?

Good is good, wrong is wrong
I write what I write; do not judge me for who I am
For the weak, I pen words which are strong
I write what I write; do not judge me for who I am
For the broken-hearted, I pen words which comfort and inspire
I write what I write; do not judge me for who I am
For the determined. I pen words which aspire
I write what I write; do not judge me for who I am

I write as a woman, as a woman would understand
For I am a woman
I write as a mother, as a child would understand
For I am a mother
I write as a child, as a mother would understand
For I am a child
I write as a sister, as a brother would understand
For I am a sister
I write as a lover. as a lover would understand
For I am full of love,
I write as FRIEND...as only a friend would understand
No matter if I a woman, a mother, a child, a sister, a lover be
For friendship transcends status and decree
time and space,
action and face.

At any moment in time,
I come as I am, I write what I write
With nothing but this in mind
For the love of my fellow friends- the women in them, my friends- the children in them,my friends- the brothers they are, my friends whoever they may be..
I feel in me all these that you feel ever so strongly
I wish I dont have it in me...cursed be for me if I am understood wrongly, and judged unfairly
and no matter who I am, as perceived
I am just me...I am only who you want me to be, but you do not see,
Because I write....because of the writer.....in me.
This is my testimony
~UmmuAhmadain
25/10/09

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down on as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim.
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black,
Oh I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has mde all the difference
~Robert Frost

Homecoming

V
I've learnt
the ways of the rude
to hold reality in a a new logic
debate with hard and loud facts;
but I too am humble, respecting
man and life

VI
I am not a new man
not very different from you
the people and cities
of coastal parts
taught me not to brood
over a foreign world,
suffer difficulties
or fear possibilities
I am you
freed from the village,
its soils and ways
independent, because
I have found myself

~Si Tenggang's Homecoming

Double Deception

She stood staring into space. Roughly wiping away the silent lone tear that had escaped her eye. She had promised herself not to cry - "all in the line of duty"....she had rebuked herself.

Absently reaching out for her half filled cup of black coffee, Rita recalled the conversation that had ensued between her and Robbie. Aaah...Robbie! Rita could never be sure which side he was on; she was sure of one thing - he was a double agent in all this charade...where it benefits him.

"Hey Rita, believe me. I am on your side. I am telling you that they have discovered your guise; so you better watch out. They have managed to break the code. Get out whilst you can," he had adviced emphatically. "Now!"

Putting back the cup which was already barely an inch away from her down-turned lips, Rita wiped another runaway tear. Damn those agents ; thinking they are doing good to expose her! What do they know of her job - her task at hand? That she is a mole herself! There are other agents who already knew of her task in the syndicate. In fact, it was the Godfather himself who had asked her to go into being a mole.

Rita shook her head in disbelief.! A cynical smirk crossed her face momentarily.

Who do these puny agents think they are? Do gooders for the society? It was an action borne out of self conceited interest that made them dig relentlessly to undiscover the code - her code! A snigger escaped her - its no wonder one was rejected by her previous employer; and the other two were whimpering stragglers; trailing pathetically after others! And they were not satisfied. O no! They were not! It should have been them to hit the mark. Who is this Rita, this "mole" to make the hit? To get the credit; to crack into the syndicate. And thats when they actually believed it to spy on, and transgress on her privacy...calling her an impostor. And they had all confided in Robbie. Poor shallow minds - dont they know that Robbie is a double agent and that the mole has Godfather's consent. THE Godfather whom they emulate and go out of their way to please. Dont they realise that there are other agents who actually know that she was a mole in the syndicate? Yet they played along; including Robbie; just to keep the syndicate going.

In the end, the three puny agents only prove to expose their shallowness, and to the length they would go to show themselves as the savior, whence it was actually their selfishness, their greed and their shallowness thinking they could hit what Rita had achieved.

But how sad - in their zeal to expose Rita, they have maliciously subjected her to open exposure without much care about why she became a mole, under Godfather's advice and consent of course. They only saw what they wanted to see - Rita the double crosser, the impostor. They gloated with glee when they had thought they had exposed Rita; but little do they know how malicious they have been in the act - destroying he only means to security and peace of mind, as Godfather had been trying to help her in her line of duty.

She heaved a heavy sigh. Those puny agents will forever remain pathetically losers for as long as they try to devour other agents for puny gains. Rita reached out to the telephone and dialled.

"Godfather, I am out. I cant risk my peace of mind being robbed by these backstabs from others of my kind. Send me back to solitary confinement please."

She could hear the sharp intake of breath from Godfather. She knew he was stunned that within the syndicate, agents could backfire on his own people.

"Alright mole...you're out. We will talk later." The phone went dead.

Rita finally took the sip; oblivious that the coffee had gone very cold...and bitter. It was refreshing and rejuvenating - she welcomes solitary confinement anytime; to deceitful, selfish minds of puny agents who are deluded thinking they are doing the syndicate good.

Finally, that glint of mischief could be seen so briefly in her eyes as she started to smile softly.
"Mission accomplished....I showed them I am still THE MOLE"

How's that for an excerpt of a novel....alhamdulillah..I still have it

The Character of A Happy Life

How happy is he born and taught
That serveth not another's will;
Whose armour is his honest thought,
And simple truth his utmost skill!

Whose passions not his masters are;
Whose soul is still prepared for death,
Untied unto the world by care
Of public fame or private breath.

This man is freed from servile bands
Of hope to rise or fear to fall;
Lord of himself, though not of lands,
And having nothing, yet hath all!

Sir Henry Wotton