Pause Button...Rewind Please

This certainly has been one of the busiest school break I have ever gone through. Before I know it, its already Friday..bummer!

Yet this has also been one of the most enlightening week...it is for sure I have grown up quite a bit this week.

All praise be to Allah! My Noble One scored 14As for his Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia exams...he has done his Ummi proud. I bow down in prostration to Allah Almighty for making true my prayers for him. That boy has never let me down as far as his studies are concerned. My eldest sister, Kak Ijah asked if I had expected him to get straight As. That was the first I had to actually give thought to it. And so I reflected...and I replied, "Yes". I never doubted him to get all As; but I still prayed hard nonetheless.

It is this occasion of him scoring straight As that has brought about this most hectic school holiday week. Not wishing for my son to lose out on his opportunity of finding a good place to study, that very Sunday I rushed to first, PWTC, and then to KLCC to attend the education carnival. Walked for hours, lost my watch, only to come home feeling slightly disheartened to learn that education can be so expensive. I am hoping for Ashraf to do medicine.

And then on Monday, it was all excitement and with eager anticipation that I met up with 5 of my old hostel mates in a mini gathering at Rawsha Restaurant in KL. Had to take the train to KL, but I was determined. Never mind the offensive heat, the meeting was scheduled at 1.00 and I arrived at about 1.15. It is always good to meet up with old friends... a time to reminisce, and to learn a secret or two of the past. Woohoo...I learnt a secret that made my eyes go wide, and my jaw dropped! To learn it after all these years ... it was just as thrilling as it would have been if I had known it when it happened all those years ago. That is one day that I will not forget for a long long time.

I guess only Monday was a day for me. After that, on Tuesday and Wednesday, it was again back to Ashraf's business. He is interested in studying medicine in USIM and could Ummi please drive him up there to see and perhaps get the "feel" of the university? It is in Nilai, and for the first time ever, I made an interstate drive with just me and my boys ... putting my full faith in God and the road signs. And I made it...yay!!! And the next day, yet another adventure drive with just my boys to Putra Jaya to the Ministry of Higher Education. Again, he wanted to be sure of his filling the UPU online form ... does not want to goof up on that. And so we drove all the way for a hardly 1 minute session with the officer! But its okay; the drive was educational. But the google map was hopeless (in fact we only discovered the route suggested by google map when I got lost on the way back!)

But all in all, I wouldn't be a fair mom if I do not cater for my younger witty son, Zakiy.

And so yesterday was Zakiy's day. Fetched one of his friends from his home, and another from school; and then I was off to Pusat Akuatik Shah Alam for the kids to enjoy a day out in the swimming pool. And at 4, got a phone call, "Ummi can you fetch us at the Masjid Negeri please?" My dear dear baby,...do you know there about a zillion entrance to the Masjid Negeri? Thank God Allah made it easy to spot him and his friends. By the time I fetched them and sent each of his friends safely home, it was approaching night time.

And so, after such a hectic 4 day "holiday" events, I am finally down with fever and my body aches all over. Today even though I intend to spend the whole day inside, alas its Friday, and the boys must go to the mosque. Done!

That leaves me with Saturday and Sunday. Its Pesta Buku time...should I forego it? Hmm..not likely. And on Sunday, the boys' school is organising a talk at Putra Jaya. Should I not attend? My boys will be disappointed. So...looks like ...

And then there are the test papers still waiting to be marked....bummer!!! And on Monday, school starts again. O well....life goes on...so must I.

sometimes

Sometimes...
You try your hardest...it is never hard enough
You try your best ......it is never good enough
You give your all ......it is just never enough
and you start wondering
when will it ever be excellent enough
when will it ever be good enough
when will it ever be enough???

Sometimes
you look
you see
you ponder
you reflect
and then you tell yourself
that is as hard as I can go
that is as best as I can do
that is as much as i can give
and the rest is left in the hands of God
for i know my standing, I know where I stand....
Allah is my Helper

Just Ordinary Reflection

I have come to learn that, people who have been through a lot, goof up as equally many times as he has done well, do not tell people how much they have gone through. They do not advice people unless asked,they neither praise nor condemn. In short, they don't judge. They have been through so much that they know that anytime, anywhere, fate can twist your life around. And they of all people, know only too well, that what fate dictates is as how HE has ordained ,...and there is no use fretting or complaining. One just have to ride it through...and survive it as best as one can.
So how do we know they have been through a lot? Their calm disposition, their very few words, carefully and thoughtfully said, says it all.

This I have learnt, from people who have been through a lot.

Thoughts

Every so often I feel like I am falling into a dark abyss....the dismal feeling of helplessness, of despair so strong it grips itself around the heart until it just becomes too difficult to even draw in a breath....you struggle you gasp for life, to get out of the dark void....try desperately to hold on to something...but your frail fingers just only catch the thin cold air of...nothingness...

Until you decide, you are through with fighting...and you just let yourself drop slowly down the bottomless pit...surrendering yourself to fate...or whatever you may call it...to disappear into oblivion might be, or could be a blessing perhaps....it becomes okay to be invisible, to be a non-entity...mere nothingness....you just let go....you have had your share of struggling....and now you just want to let go...

Often...that is the time, when you find a hand reaching out to you...and pulling you back to the surface...and suddenly you know....you will be alright....you were not made to break....

My Hatchling Is Leaving The Nest

I woke up this morning with a terribly desperate feeling in my heart, and a great knot in my stomach. I just have today and tomorrow with my Noble One, before he leaves for Kelantan on a 7 week tour of Jati Diri (personal development) course. O my God! This is it! It has started - my son is going out on his own now into the big world. First this course; then when his SPM results come out, and insha-Allah I have full faith he will do excellently (has not let me down so far)...Insha-Allah it is off to Egypt for him.

I always know that this moment of him leaving home is inevitable; him being a young man and all. Alas ... I only have 2 of them, and when one goes, it will surely leave this gaping void within me. Heck, even if I had a dozen of them, I know I will surely feel the same.

And so I am torn between keeping what's mine close to me, whilst at the same time wishing him to make his mark in this world - to make something worthwhile out of his life. As a mother, sometimes we just have to do what is right ... and that is letting our hatchling try his luck on his own for his own life; at the same time praying really really hard he will have it easy throughout the journey of his life.

My baby is now an able bodied young man to the world ... but to me he is still my baby. It seemed like only yesterday I was still holding him in my arms nursing him. But now he stands a good head taller than me ... plus some.

I know when he is out there doing his thing on his own, my worries will begin again ... as to how is faring, if he is well and healthy, if he is eating well, if he is happy with friends, or if he is missing home. The worry starts again ...only this time it is on a different level.

He is excited to go, nay very eager. I must try not to dampen his spirits with my motherly melancholy.

And so ... go my son, and make your mark on God's earth. The world is at your disposal to help you achieve your goals and dreams. And your mom is always beside you, in your heart to pray for you and keep a watchful eye on you all along the way. Whenever you feel lost, alone or desolate, do not despair, just call on your Ummi, and I'll be there.

My Noble One, Ummi loves you as only a mother would understand. May Allah bless you at each and every step that you take. You have all my blessings and prayers.

Usher In A New Year

Yesterday, 18th December marked the new year 1431 Hijriah in the Muslim calendar. The pilgrims have started to return to their homeland.

I am just a science teacher, a wife, a mother of 2 boys, living in a small town near the capital of my country, working in an all boys' multiracial secondary school. I go to school in the morning, come back in the afternoon, rest a bit before I go fetch my boys from school in the evening. During the weekend, I try to meet up with my siblings. In my free time, I read, I blog, I write.

Just living an ordinary life. My family means the world to me; I enjoy being with my students. I contribute to my society wherever I can, in my own way.

I am a Muslim...and on this auspicious day...I just pray for peace - on God's earth; and peace of mind - for all! Ameen.

Of Long Lost Friends

Today, I received a message with a class photo when I was in Form Five. The reason my friend had sent me that photo is because we had just reconnected after 30 years and I, for the life of me, could place neither his name nor his face to my memory bank. Absolute blank...nothing. I bashed my brain but to no avail; until finally all I could do was, unabashedly asked if we belonged to the same class, and, if he had any photo from that time, if he could please send or show it to me.

He did.

And suddenly all the surge of memories came rushing back to me. And I got transported back to those yester years. It was such a nostalgic stroll back down memory lane. The familiar faces. Looking at friends who were closer to me then – jolted memories of jokes exchanged, pranks played and sadness shared living in a boarding school. So much fun then; I can almost hear the laughter and forbidden giggles, feel again the quiet infatuation of an awkward teenager, and the silent envy at the smarter ones in class.

So it is just too sad to even think how I could ever forget some of my classmates! But forget I did. Not until I was shown the photo again. I guess my memories of my final year in school just froze in time since then. In my mind, those friends whom I have not seen or spoken with since just stopped growing. There they stayed in my memory box as young 17-year-old teenagers. And as a gawky, shy teenager, I simply cannot believe it now that I hardly spoke to some of the boys; this particular friend included. So much so he said that it is good we were actually finally having a conversation. I totally agree with him ... better late than never.

Do I regret I was less friendly then? Regret – possibly not, because I knew then, as I know now that it was not out of unfriendliness, but more of being shy and possibly timid too. That was me back then. But I do feel that sense of “missing out on something” because of how I was then. Perhaps being a quiet, studious girl was rather intimidating to some friends of the opposite gender too. Who knows ... If I could turn back the clock, I would possibly reduce my overtly serious disposition and be bold enough to speak up when the situation called for it at that time. It is rather ironic considering I was in the School English Debating Team. One would have thought I would be such a bossy, loud-mouthed, argumentative girl then. (Phew...thank God I wasn’t!). But still, it is such a pity that as a result of that, I ended up not remembering some of my classmates.

One good thing though, I may have forgotten their names and not recognised them by how they look now, but when brought back again to those good old days, recognition is almost immediate, even though their names still slip my mind. Just goes to show me that, they are still there with me, inside of me ... all those dear long lost friends o’ mine.

Some close to me have passed on, may God bless their souls, and some have married each other. Whatever it is, now that I have been given this second chance of coming into contact with them, I can only pray, that this time I am a better friend to one and all.
To this particular friend who has jolted my memories again, THANK YOU 

Matters of the Heart

Every man has a key to his heart; and knowing his personality assists in identifying the right key to open it."

"Harmony ... We deal with hearts not bodies."

"Experience ... tells us that whenever you show people that you value and care fror them, you capture their hearts and are thus endeared to them."

"Our ability to capture people's hearts and win their love brings about great happiness in life."

"The first meeting imprints 70% of the impression that one has of a person on his mind. Thus, one should treat a person as if it is the first and last time he will ever meet him."
(quotes from Enjoy Your Life)

Of Holidays and Books

Hasan Al Banna said that to know a person look at the books on his shelf. I look at mine - and I see Islamic books, self-help and motivational books, books on teaching, on writing and novels. So I guess it is true what is said about a person's bookshelf. The books that fill my shelf pretty much sum up what I am and what my interests are.

I look at the books that fill my sons' rooms. Noble One's shelf is a full range of topics - hinting at his interest in vast areas. Mainly Islamic books fill the space, but there are also significant number of books on language (his interest in the academics of different languages), books on editing/journalism, books on photography, books on history ... only the odd novels,namely by two young uprising contemporary Malay writers. Yes, I can see his personality clearly from his collection of books. That while his interests are wide and varied, he is very much into good writing, and into improving himself as a Muslim. It is with interest that I note that just not too long ago, books on computer design and books on the different computer skills were the in-thing for him. So, I conclude that one's interest in reading changes over time as well.

As for my Witty #2, he never was much of a book reader in his primary days although he is an avid online reader. However, of late I realise that whilst he is not much into reading books; magazines and comics scatter his room - and those magazines and comic reflect his interest: weaponry and anime. Witty #2 is more the "action guy" and it does reflect in his choice of reading materials - quick reading, easy to follow practical instructions. Yesterday, I see another interest that is slowly blossoming in him - computer skills. In that sense, he has something in common with big brother I guess.

I write this blog because long school breaks give us this wonderful opportunity to enjoy a day's outing visiting different bookstores and getting our hands on books of interest as well as keeping updates with the latest publications. I am grateful that my boys are as much into reading as I was at their age. This is something that the boys and I share in common; something that I am very pleased about.

Indeed reading open up borderless frontiers to explore, the adventures take our breath away, the values learnt enrich our souls, and the sheer story telling alone take us on a ride of different emotions,leaving us ecstatic and satisfied at the end of the journey. A journey worth taking any time.

Above all, books bring my boys and I closer together, as we read to each other or tell each other what we have learnt.

For all this, I am forever grateful for the magic and beauty of books ... and reading.

The Sacrificial Lamb ...me and my patience

"Ummi, I can't seem to find my Baju Melayu." (the Malay national costume for males).

Every year it is the same old history. We buy him new baju melayu for Eidul Fitri, and he loses it before Eidul Adha. Every time it is the same commotion. You would think we both have learnt our lessons. I thought I had. Yesterday I asked him to go look for the shirt in preparation for this morning's prayer.

"I have found the pants, the shirt is somewhere. I will look for it," he had said.

I always try to give him the benefit of the doubt; to trust that at 13, he is big enough to take care of his own things. Unfortunately, history still repeats itself.

And, once again, I find myself shouting at him for misplacing it. We searched high and low for it in this house, in everybody's wardrobe...nay... I have the nastiest suspicion he wore it to school, then took it off for his undershirt (T shirt most likely) and then just forgets about it. That is what that has riled me so. Plus on top of that, the dad just goes off for the eidul adha prayer, leaving him behind.

And I blew my top...and now I feel lousy... not a pleasant feeling at all.

On Eidul Adha...the day of sacrifice...I sacrificed my patience...BUMMER!

My New Netbook

Alhamdulillah, by the Grace of Allah, today I got my new netbook - Dell 10" weighing just over 1 kg. With the colour of my choice, mind you - metallic purple. Simply beautiful and eye catching. I first saw this netbook at my sister's house - belonging to my grand nephew...and he is only 4!!!
Super cool! His was light blue in colour. As soon as I set eyes on this cute little gadget, I fell in love with it. So handy, so light. I knew immediately it would be ideal for my writing anywhere, any time. This was last Sunday, 15th November 2009.

It was then, that I decided to apply my Law of Attraction knowledge ... plus a lot lot of prayer to God. I imagined myself toting this cute little thing around wherever I go, I imagine the happy feeling I get to be the proud owner of this very handy gadget and merrily typing away on its keyboard. And I placed all faith that Allah will somehow make it happen for me. Mine is not to question how HE would make my doa come true; mine is just to have the unflinching faith HE would.

Lo and behold! Exactly one week since, I am now the proud owner of this cute but awesome little thing. Such is the power of unflinching faith God will fulfill - if only we were to ask ... and ask specifically. Alhamdulillah, all praise be to HIM.

(Taking this opportunity to emphasise here that this focusing on the positive, not merely wanting, but actually visualising ourselves happy with the thought, is a potent tool to getting what we want and intend to have in this life...and this include happiness, peace of mind, wealth. Try it - you will be surprised at how great the feeling is.)

Later in the evening, I went out to get a suitable carrier for this precious netbook of mine. And with the internet installed in this wifi zone in my house, I am on my way ... yay!!!

I only need to install Microsoft Word and then I will really be tapping away, deo volente.

O by the way, it comes in a 10" screen ... just to let it be known :)