This was the first time my husband met up with Dr. Zaki. As if understanding my troubled state of mind, Dr. Zaki turned to my husband and addressed him. I was relieved that he had decided to mediate the meeting.
“So, En. Zul, have you and your wife come to a decision yet?” My husband has always been a man with few words (still is till today). He paused, stammered a bit before asking, “I would like to know is there any other way to treat my wife without having to give up on her pregnancy?”
Dr. Zaki looked at me with a questioning look. I stared blankly back at him. Somehow I think he understood. He turned to my husband and patiently began to explain.
“I am sure your wife has explained why I wanted to meet the both of you today. Your wife is suffering from End Stage Renal Disease (ESRD); which is right now aggravated by her pregnancy. I don’t think in her condition, she can carry the pregnancy through to full term. Even if she did, I am not sure how it will affect the baby; with all the toxins that is building up in her. Continuing the pregnancy will only endanger her life. But I am sure you already know this.”
There was a momentary silence, as both of us contemplated Dr. Zaki’s words. What I can remember is my mind was blank – a numbness taking over my soul and mind. I remember feeling as if it was not me that Dr. Zaki was talking about.
And then my husband finally spoke.
“We have decided to save my my wife. We will do as you advised. We will stop the pregnancy”.
I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for my husband to say those words. But both of us have prayed long and hard fo God to help us decide. We had done our Istikharah Prayer (Prayer for Guidance – see appendix). And this was what God has ordained for us. We remain thankful to God for anything that befall us anytime. We both have faith that there is always a blessing behind anything that befell us.
I remember clearly my siblings’ reactions when we spoke of our decision. My parents, especially my late Abah; he supported our decision fully. It was understable – I was his child. Some of my sisters thought that I was not showing full trust in God (tawakkal); taking the future into our hands.
“How do you know that the doctors are right? Why don’t you put your trust in God and just continue with your pregnancy? Let God decide. What you are doing now is taking things into your own hands.”
My grand aunt and late brother suggested traditional/alternative options. Oh I assure you we have exhausted all options and all resources. Sadly, things just did not turn any better. My condition continued to worsen. We simply had no choice.
I never minded what my siblings had to say. They did not understand. It was enough that I knew it was something that was way out of my hands. I knew I loved my unborn son (and still do and will always do until the day I die; when I hope to meet up with him again, God Willing). I knew my husband felt the same too. He had always wanted a son who will fight for the cause of Islam; yet now he was giving up on one! We both knew the excruciating pain of making that decision. And the one comfort that we held on to were the words of Sayidina Omar r.a. on fate – “that we are moving on from one fate of Allah into another fate by Allah”.
“We have delayed this long enough; the foetus is entering its 24th week. From now on, its growth will surely affect your wife’s health. I will refer you to the O & G department for an immediate TOP – Termination of Pregnancy”.
Dr. Zaki’s voice sounded so distant. This was all like a dream to me – a long, long bad dream.
Addendum:
One friend told me recently he is addicted to his children. Anyone who holds this same point of view will surely know that when any one of our children proceeds us to meet his/her Creator, a part of us dies too ... the void never to be replaced; no matter how many other children we may have.
And for this reason, this memory stands out clearly in my mind.
(c)norhafizah manaf
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