ESRD & I - The Tests Begin

With the referral letter from Dr. Tarsh I managed to fix an appointment with the Salford Royal Hospital near Manchester. When the day came, again I went alone. My two best friends, Mas and Siti were already married; and I did not want to impose on them. Habibah had something on and could not accompany me. I have always tried to be as independent as I could from ever since I got into boarding school at thirteen. So I was cool about going alone, I had told Habibah.
In my heart? ”I want my mummy....”
When I reached the hospital, I was directed to the CAT Scan room. The radiologist explained to me explicitly why and how the procedure was to be carried out. Personally I was grateful for his explanation. I think patients should know what is about to be done unto them. The rationality of knowing what is about to happen to us can have both a comforting and calming effect. I was told that I was to be injected with a radioactive dye and as the dye moves through my veins, I would begin to feel a tingling sensation especially to both my lips and “down there” (his words). Even in my nervousness, I had to smile, albeit feebly.
The injection was bearable, as was any other injection, but as the blue dye moved slowly through my body, I remember feeling dragged down; a real heavy sensation bearing down on me. Lying down made breathing even more difficult and I reckoned my anxiety must have been apparent; for the doctor explained that barium is a metal with a relatively high mass. No wonder I was feeling dragged down. And then it came; the tingling sensation to my lips which made it almost impossible to open my mouth to speak – a most queer experience I must admit. The anxiety and the effect of the barium made my breathing more laboured. I had to try to calm myself. And I resorted to the one way I knew how. I began to recite the 'zikr' quietly – invoking the names of Allah and all HIS attributes. The zikr had never failed to calm and soothe my jittery nerves. It works every time.
I was not disappointed. Reciting the zikr throughout the remainder of the procedure made me lose track of time, and before I knew it, it was all over.
Heaving a sigh of relief I thanked the Almighty silently. Little did I know at that time that it was to be a journey of getting close to HIM, calling out HIS hallowed presence, seeking strength and patience through HIM, of having a personal relationship with my Creator.
It is true as the saying goes, “A blessing in disguise”. I was afflicted with ESRD, but I was certainly most blessed to be able to experience HIS love and mercy.
When the results of the CAT Scan came through, it was not so conclusive. I had to be admitted for further tests.

(c)norhafizah manaf